I am going to assume that we all liked Star Trek:The Next Generation when it was on. However only the most ardent fan would refuse to concede that there were some problems with the show. It was fairly cheesy (even for the late eighties) and its oh-so-earnest attitude made the future look like a fairly dull place to live. Also, I think it will take longer than 400 years for skin tight uniforms to be adopted by any organisation that wants the galaxy to take it seriously.

Over a decade later (has it been that long already?), ST:TNG is ready for a face lift. Have you ever wondered what the show would look like if revisited with the most powerful post-production technique known to man; the laugh track? Me neither, but someone has:

Like your IQ, everybody has a CQ, or Cool Quotient – a single figure that can be easily calculated and gives an overall rating of how cool you are. However, CQ differs from IQ in two important ways, as shown by the following examples.

Firstly, unlike IQ the average CQ is zero and can be negative. Take me for instance; my CQ can be calculated like this:

• starting score 0
• IT professional (sadly misunderstood) -5
• Owns an iPod (just like those beautiful people on TV) +8
• Tendency to drop pretentious French phrases into writing -1
• Drives a manual car (just like James Bond) +2
• Keeps a blog (luckily I never read it, that would be even worse) -5
• Over 30 (never trust anyone over 30, they are uncool) -4

Thus my CQ is -5. I am the first to admit that -5 isn’t very cool, in fact it is very slightly uncool but well within the normal variation seen in the general population.

The second difference between IQ and CQ is that although the former measurement gives a simple linear scale, CQ actually wraps around in certain situations. Rare aggregations of uncool factors can combine in a perfect storm of uncool that can be cool in its own right. Take another example:

• starting score 0
• musician (automatically slightly cool) +15
• flutist (very uncool instrument) -33
• busker (has a certain je ne sais quoi) +8
• Beatboxing (anything cool 20 years ago is automatically uncool now) -18
• Plays theme tunes from children’s TV shows (lame) -12
• Plays theme tunes from video games (lame) -45
• Appears in a video on youtube (anything on the Internet that was cool 6 months ago is automatically uncool now) -19

Total CQ: -104. However, due to the wrap around at the low end of the CQ scale, this is equivalent to a positive CQ of 49, the same as Brad Pitt*!

Some links where you can verify this for yourself:

Beatboxing Flutist plays Sesame Street

Beatboxing Flutist plays Mario Brothers Theme

Beatboxing Flutist plays Inspector Gadget/Axel F Medley

* Brad Pitt would actually have a higher CQ, what with being an international movie star and all, the relatively low CQ of 49 is caused mainly by being named Bradley Pitt, a very uncool name.

Sometimes I worry that I am not hardcore enough (yes, it’s true). I don’t own a black leather jacker, nor do I have a mohawk or goth makeup. But I bet those emos that hang around the movie theatre downtown would give me some cred if I walked passed wearing a dragon!
Strangely enough this is from Russia, not Japan, contrary to my first three guesses.